Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
You Might Also Like
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
happy mother’s day❤️
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Good morning.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way