A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
You Might Also Like
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.