@weinerdog4life: Ugh, I hate wearing this towel while my wife washes my cape.
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@yoyoha: I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That's the problem w/commercials! They're not long enough!
@thatguyJA: My son ate all the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms and well guess who isn't paying for his college now.
@TheToddWilliams: [shark therapy] "My girl dumped me & I haven't eaten in days" There's lots of fish in the sea "Yeah but...actually that covers everything"
@gkaluma: Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.