“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
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“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
*launders Kohls cash*
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself