Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
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I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
People buying plungers never look happy.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”