Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
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dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
the composer
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?