it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
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No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…