@Brianhopecomedy: UGH, I was planning this big romantic dinner for two and then my wife called to say she'd be home.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Dpressedspartan: (Me,after returning from exam) Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper? Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn't knew.
@ElgatoEsmio: [trapped on a patch of ice that's melting in the Arctic ocean] [rubs Genie bottle] “can you hook me up with some wifi?"
@theresa_lauren: "Yes, I'm still single and underemployed, but at least I'm not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON" --women at family holiday gatherings from now on
@joeljeffrey: My dad shouted "shut up idiots" to the cats. I told him "You're speaking English to a cat. You're the idiot. You have to meow at them."