Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
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[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
i was baptized in a car wash
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.