“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
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I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?