Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
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16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.