Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
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Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Looking at you, Jesus.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Buying a well is money well spent.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?