That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
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*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I only treason on days ending in y
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.