WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
You Might Also Like
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?