@NervousJr: "Ugh, you're so obsessed with me."
Boss: "I just asked why you're twenty minutes late?"
@SeanBlazed: Miss someone? Paint a helium balloon like their face. Deflate it. Put it in your back pocket. They're still gone and that was weird advice.
@trojansauce: [day after trying sushi for the first time]
ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table*
WIFE: this isn't cooke-
ME: it's sushi, susan
@Beerhaze: If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it's my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it's in the Bible.
@tchrquotes: Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You're going to die, and he had you.
@TheTweetOfGod: Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.