What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
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What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween