Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
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i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Weirdly Wednesday.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?