Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
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One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Most fashion shows these days…
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.