Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
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Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop