Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
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Name another movie that mislead you?
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I don’t think my car can fly
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
A bold strategy
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea