[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
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Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.