“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
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Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me