“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
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to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Fluff me with a fork baby
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
There’s always that one guy
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
When your man makes a valid point
When you’re here for the treats.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
waiting for halloween be like:
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.