Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
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Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?