@blade_funner: [the inventor of corn chips] What if knives were delicious?

@KattWillFerrell: DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a

@Nickadoo: America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

@weismanjake: I wonder if celebrity couples have a list of 5 average citizens each of them are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the chance

@brittwastaken: "Why don't you love me anymore?" I sob as I gather my belongings. "Is it because of the kleptomania?" I cry as I put your cat in my purse.