@ElleOhHell: "Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE." -- Hammerhead sharks
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@Deirdreocx: [Cops have a warrant for my arrest] Cops: you're coming with us! *Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away* Foot chase ensues.
@MarcusTheToken: I left some acorns in the spot where I killed a squirrel because I'm thoughtful. Also because a gang of squirrels burned a cross in my yard.
@IvankaTrump: Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
@markleggett: I often think "Why would anyone live in Gotham? It's a shithole!", but then you choose to live in the shithole that is [YOUR CITY NAME].