“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
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so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.