UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
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me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Yes, but it was never about money
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.