Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
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My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
True?
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE