whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
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I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun