[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
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I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.