Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
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Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down