Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
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My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
also my go-to takeaway order
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?