Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
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{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️