Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
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“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”