40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
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My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all