‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
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You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I am a gravy boat captain
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Me irl
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
lol
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Don’t snitch tag.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.