@KayLee_CPT: "Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!" - The first horse ever ridden (probably)
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@ThatDudeF: Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new 'I walked to school in the snow without shoes'
@djdarrellripley: Him: Where'd you get that black eye? Me: My girlfriend gave it to me. Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town. Me: I did too...
@pixelatedboat: 11.45: Arrived at crime scene 11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle 11.45: Found murder weapon in drain 11.45: Realised watch was broken
@MelvinofYork: Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have? Me: Define “true friend.” Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything. Me: 11,419.