Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
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*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
It do be feeling this way.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent