@bjaynash: The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.

@Jason_maybe: Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

@De_ja_vu_who: Deathbed confession Me: We're bankrupt Him: What? How? Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

@sofarrsogud: *makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost [He gets lost] *I don't answer my phone as I don't recognise the number

@misfarber: Poor helium. I like to imagine there's a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously