“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
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I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Breaking news:
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?