“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
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I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.