me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
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When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator