@Jayson_Two_time: Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case's where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I'm also broke. Genius!
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@SondraDeeMe: [first date] ME: I'm from a broken home. HIM: When did your parents divorce? ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife told me not to say anything about her friend's lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
@ComedicBust: GF: What a beautiful weekend. Let's go exploring. Me: [eating Cheetos in my underwear- looks directly at the camera]