@Jayson_Two_time: Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case's where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I'm also broke. Genius!
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@theshamingofjay: Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it's like I walked for no reason.
@shkeeber: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: You love me? Cop: Me: Cop: Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower? Cop: Yes. Me: *floors it*
@Jaywoo74: Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She's had a headache for the past 15 years.
@Reverend_Scott: [on date] Ok, don't let her know ur a vampire. Her: I think I'll have a steak. A STAKE?? [turns into bat and flies away]