uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
this came to me in a vision
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.