[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
You Might Also Like
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Challenge accepted.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
haha same
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.