Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
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There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me