Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
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TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Genius idea!!
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.