@ericsshadow: [undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
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@LackOfShame: 16: I hate old people. Me: That's where you and I are different. 16: You like old people?! Me: No, I hate everybody.
@trojansauce: [day after trying sushi for the first time] ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table* WIFE: this isn't cooke- ME: it's sushi, susan
@Blarebare: Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn't that weird? Her: Not really Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?