[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
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Knock Knock
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
So glad we cleared that up
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”