@ericsshadow: [undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@zachreinert03: My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything but my wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen
@TheGladStork: When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.
@DeeLish_DG13: I sometimes feel like the Angel on my shoulder is on vacation & the Devil invited his cousin over for a play date
@iliza: A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was "yesss" because I'm nosey.