Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
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I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Oh hi lol
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.