Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
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whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs