Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
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In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Wait for it
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat