A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
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You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways