Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
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Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Bruh PLEASE
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea