Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
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soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano