Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
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by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
me and who
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”