Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
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Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
giddy up Office Depot
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.