recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
FINE, I WON’T.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.