Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
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[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity